funny cop stories
funny cop stories
funny cop stories
The Cops’ Criminal Christmas Tale
Jon Hughes

‘Twas the night before Christmas
And all through my beat
The stop lights were blinking as I drove through the streets

My radio sputtered with this and with that
Nothing really important, just random chit-chat

I turned down a neighborhood street to the right,
The houses there glowing with bright Christmas lights

All of a sudden, I saw from afar
A dark house ahead, with the front door ajar

This seemed rather strange, I’m sure you’d agree
At two in the morning, and on Christmas Eve

I doubted the residents left it that way
Why people could enter, anyone, who could say?

A vehicle seemed out of place there as well,
A van was backed up to the front, I could tell

This house, I decided, needed investigation.
I turned off my lights, radioed my location

The dispatcher answered, sounding quite glum
Hey, nobody says working Christmas is fun

Oh-ho and oh-my, I said to myself
This person’s suspicious, I doubt he’s an elf.

He seemed not to notice my unlighted car
He tiptoed to the van, creeping through the front yard

The thief was a greedy one, sure of himself.
He returned to the house to get something else

I picked up my microphone, then pressed the key
A crime was in progress, I said urgently

No sooner had I finished my sentence
When the thief had returned with an armload of presents

His efforts were thwarted, much to his surprise
Because just then three other units arrived

The gentleman must have remembered a date
For he suddenly dropped all the items with haste

A mad dash he did make, to the back of the house
Leaving gifts, a TV, a computer with mouse.

“Freeze” I shouted, and jumped out of the car
We all ran to catch him, he wouldn’t get far

Over a fence, and under a tree
The guy ran like the wind, he really was fleet

Though we chased him quite swiftly
He managed to hide,
A perimeter, though, would keep him inside   

The search did require some effort that night
Patrol cars and dogs, a chopper’s spotlight

It seemed, after hours, that the thief had escaped
Where did he hide, how could he evade?

It seemed to be pointless to prolong the search
And orders were given: “Prepare to Disperse”

When all of a sudden, the radio barked
An officer saw something move in the dark.

The last yard to be checked had yielded the fiend,
He ran once again, and quite tired he seemed

But his flight was delayed, he yelled and he jumped
A police dog had suddenly bitten his rump!

Wildly he danced, as the dog clung on tightly
He fell to the ground, looking pained and unsightly

Highly trained was the dog, not a commonplace mutt
And those sharp teeth just would not release from his butt

Shortly arrived the dog’s officer master
The thief’s efforts had ended in painful disaster

How funny, I thought, that his Christmas Eve
Would not end quite like the one he had conceived

His face looked so glum, his eyes full of fear
Paramedics soon showed up to bandage his rear.

No stockings, no eggnog out on the veranda
Instead he’ll be read all his rights per Miranda

No furry reindeer to bring Santa’s presents
His Christmas will smell of police K-9 essence   

Hard silver bracelets and a little cold room
are his comforts tonight as his punishment looms

The judge, I am sure, will look on him with loathing
And in prison he’ll wear some bright orange clothing

Though he may return soon to pilfer more places
(The system sometimes doesn’t work in these cases),
I’ll sleep well tonight knowing he’s in such trouble
In prison, he just might end up sleeping double!

And a family’s Christmas, though smeared with badness,
Can still be enjoyed with presents and gladness

So listen, you vile, contemptible felons
You larcenist, miscreants, perverts and villains
Christmas is Holy, it’s full of good cheer
And many fine things that you criminals sneer 

Stay away from the neighborhoods that we patrol
If not, it’s our flashing blue lights you’ll behold

We’ll put you in jail, an object of scorn
When the cell door slams shut, recollect, you were warned…

A Safe Christmas to All 

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