A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde female and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
Goober May Get the Job
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Goober - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Goober, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
TOP 10 Signs Your Partner is losing it
10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
Bad night for a burglar
A burglar broke into a house one night. He was shining his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he pick up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus Christ is watching YOU." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,clear as a bell, he heard "Jesus Christ is watching You." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?" "Moses," replied the parrot. "Moses?" the burglar laughed, "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot replied, "Probably the same kind of people that would name their 2 Rotweiller's Jesus and Christ"
It can be different in the South
Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. As the driver rolls down the window, the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that? The trooper drawls, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you'll have your license ready." The driver rubs his head and says, "I'm sorry, officer. I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on that window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true." "Huh?" says the passenger. The cop replies, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that crap with me.'"
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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"Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Goober supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Goober, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Goober looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Goober wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Goober was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"